


My Pain Fits in the Palm of Your Freezing Hand

by 13zepptraxx



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Found Family, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Supportive Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Worried Eddie Diaz, i'll die on the buddie hill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:49:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29761977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13zepptraxx/pseuds/13zepptraxx
Summary: And he doesn’t mean to say it- at least, not when he does. Not now. It’s really not the time, because the conversation has nothing to do with it, but Buck’s been biting his tongue for well over a year now and he doesn’t presently have the strength needed within him to not say it.“I love you.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 18
Kudos: 447





	My Pain Fits in the Palm of Your Freezing Hand

Buck is already awake when his alarm goes off. He considers ignoring it and not even going to work, but the incessant buzzing and ringing on his nightstand is enough to get him out from under the safety of his blankets. He draws in a breath as he turns off his alarm and scrolls through his notifications.

He has four texts from four different people, three of them reading about the same.

 _from Hen:  
_ _are you okay??_

 _from Bobby:  
_ _You okay, Buck?_

 _from Maddie:  
_ _are you okay, Evan?_

He’s not, and he’s even less so with people constantly asking him if he is. He’s tired, and pissed off, and he really just wants to be left alone. He swipes away the texts before he finally reads the last one.

 _From Eddie:  
_ _I’m sorry you’re hurting. We’re here if you need us. I’m here._

Buck smiles at this. Eddie doesn’t even know entirely what’s going on (unless Chimney arrived at the fire station earlier today and promptly spilled everything). Yet, he’s here. Through the fire, here.

The text from his mother from two days beforehand still sits unread, though, and the sick feeling and heaviness on Buck’s chest returns once more. It’s the same feeling that woke him up three hours before his alarm and had him hiding under his covers trying not to think- trying to do anything _but_ think.

The unopened text reminds Buck that he’d looked to his parents and granted them forgiveness when they deserved everything but. Buck drops his phone on his bed and rolls back over, pulling the blankets back over his head. He doesn’t let any tears fall- he thinks he’ll never stop crying if he does.

He goes through all the motions, though.

Then he takes a breath and levels his breathing, throws the blankets aside, and gets up and ready for work. He does not want to go, because he knows that when he walks in he’s going to get more ‘are you okay’s and Eddie’s probably going to mention how Buck completely blew him and Chris off the night before.

Okay, he didn’t blow them off. Buck politely bowed out under the guise of not feeling well and needing to get some rest. It was true, but the guilt still weighed on Buck like a ton of bricks. It was part of the cause of the tightness in his chest that kept him awake all morning. He never wants to disappoint Christopher.

And it’s like, the Diaz boys are the only thing on Buck’s mind. Ever. It brings him comfort as he walks into uncertainty every day. Especially today, when he has no idea what’s waiting for him at work, and what everyone knows, and what kind of looks (probably of pity) they’re going to give him when he walks in.

So he thinks of going to the park with Chris and Eddie last Saturday. Everything else aside. And the weird feeling in his chest as he drives isn’t anxiety anymore. It’s not heavy like it has been all morning.

It’s something he’s come to know as peace, contentment. It was strange, having something like he does- family. Unconditionally, unequivocally, _his._ He’d spent most of his life running from something, and he’d never stopped to let himself move towards something. It was in the still, the silence, that Buck let himself find what he wanted to run to, instead of running away from the mess that was his life.

He enjoys the quiet as he drives, because he knows the feeling of bricks on his heart will return when he walks into the fire station. He takes a few deep breaths in his car once he parks, and he walks into the station with a smile on his face.

It doesn’t meet his eyes- no one realizes, because why would they, he’s Buck and he’s fine because he’s always fine. He nods small hellos as he passes by some coworkers, before he stops in the locker room. He’s alone in changing until Chim walks in.

“Hey.” Chim says softly, carefully, still treading lightly. He’s unsure where they stand. “Maddie’s worried about you.”

Buck swallows and squeezes his eyes shut, before turning around. “I’m fine.” He flashes a quick smile and turns back, shutting his locker. He leaves the locker room without another word.

If he’s honest, he’s unsure where he stands with Chim as well. Buck will forgive him, he will, just… not yet. He still needs some time to be pissed off.

Buck ascends the stairs, being greeted by Hen, Bobby, and Eddie as he comes up on the kitchen. “Didn’t hear from you for a while, didn’t know if you were coming in.” Bobby comments.

Buck shrugs. “Gotta work no matter what.” He slides by Eddie, going to pour himself a cup of coffee. His back is turned, but he knows with full certainty that all eyes are on him. He doesn’t necessarily care, he’ll survive, but he knows Eddie is doing his annoyingly sweet concerned face, and Buck can’t deal with that.

“Chris and I missed you last night.” With this, Buck’s heart shatters a little bit. Eddie’s voice is solemn, and Buck can detect a node of disappointment in it. He let Christopher down.

Buck turns, an apologetic look on his face. “I’m sorry.” He says sincerely. “I needed some time and I know you guys probably didn’t want to deal with me being upset.”

Eddie shakes his head. “You’re welcome no matter what you’re feeling, you know that.”

The conversation feels too private to be having in front of anyone else, so Buck ends it. He nods at Eddie’s response and takes a seat by Hen.

It’s not like Buck wanted to blow Christopher and Eddie off. Fuck, it probably would’ve brought Buck back to a state of… existence, if he’d gone over there. But he couldn’t ask them to share the burden of everything he’s got going on. His parents, Daniel, Maddie; he just can’t. They don’t deserve that.

Eddie vehemently disagrees with this, and not just in this situation. Buck has a key to his house and he’s on Christopher’s emergency contact list at school. Buck is _welcome,_ no matter what, no matter when. Always. He’ll always have a place there- a home.

Buck knows this, of course. A lot of the time though, he gets trapped in his mind and he can’t get out of a constant loop of feeling like he’s overbearing, clingy, too much. He’s getting better at it, but there’s still some cracks and there’s still things he’s put in the darkest parts of his mind and refuses to touch. Thus, he closes off. He draws back, recoiling like he needs to be less.

When he’s at work, he’s able to turn it off. He can do his job, and he can do it damn good. He can be fine all day and all night, for as long as he needs to be. He doesn’t let himself feel it- doesn’t let himself break down- until he’s in his apartment. Nowhere else.

If he did let himself feel it anywhere else, it’d be at Eddie’s. Eddie’s house is the closest Buck has ever felt to home. He can exhale there. He can just… be.

It’s scary though, giving so much of himself over to people. Being that close with them, having a responsibility to them. Buck lives in a constant state of fear over fucking it up and losing Chris and Eddie forever. And even over Eddie, Buck is terrified of letting Chris down. He loves that kid more than anything, and he would do absolutely anything for him.

* * *

The shift is boring, so much so Buck’s about ready to jinx them before they finally get a call, almost at the very end of the shift. He’s grateful for a multitude of reasons, including that Hen and Chim would’ve killed him if he’d said the Q-word. 

It’s an apartment fire, twelve floors up in flames. Nine missing people. Bobby passes around orders, but Buck and Eddie are already geared up and ready to go in before he can even get to them. Buck and Eddie are so in sync that Eddie knows what Buck wants and needs before Buck does. They flow so effortlessly it’s like they were created to do this together.

“Stick together. Get in, find the victims, get out. If the structure becomes too unstable, I’m pulling you all out.” Bobby commands, and teams go in. Hen and Chim head in one entrance, Buck and Eddie in another.

They find three of the victims, and Hen and Chim find five others. The last victim was last seen somewhere another floor up, so Buck and Eddie radio their position to Bobby before making their way up.

The smoke is so heavy they can barely see once they get to the second floor. “I’ll go left, you keep heading straight!” Buck calls out to Eddie and turns to split from Eddie, but Eddie grabs his arm.

“We’re not splitting up, Buck.” Eddie calls back, looking off to the hallway by him. “You know how that ended last time.”

And yeah, Buck remembers. He remembers every morning when he grimaces at the redness still present on his neck from the factory fire. It’s not enough to hurt, but it’s enough that he notices it. He remembers falling, hitting his head, and almost giving up before he felt Eddie’s hand on his, pulling the rope along with him. He remembers.

“I know that Bobby said-”

“Bobby’s not saying.” Eddie corrects him. “I’m saying. I’m not leaving you.”

Buck stops at this, the feeling in his stomach rendering him unable to respond. He’s been in love with Eddie for longer than he can even remember. He greets the feeling happily, he’s okay with it. And he’s okay with not getting more, either. Eddie is his everything, and he always will be, whichever way it’s in. Chris and Eddie being his family is more important in the end, though.

But Eddie’s assurance that _he’s_ not leaving, that _he’s_ saying- this messes Buck up. He’d go as far as to say that this fucked him up in a monstrous, enormously terrible way. Buck was the one going off his own. He was the one leaving. Yet, it’s Eddie that’s not leaving. It’s Eddie that’s not going anywhere. And this is something Buck has to try way too fucking hard to compartmentalize until he can unpack it in a place that isn’t going up in flames. 

They find the victim not long after. They get her out and by then, the building is way too far gone to save, so all that’s left is to put out the fire and get the debris under control.

Once they get back to the fire station, Buck makes for the showers. He’s quick about it, so quick in fact, that no one even knows where the hell he’s gone.

Buck lets himself cry under the water. He didn’t mean to, he just turned the water on way too hot and didn’t realize until it burned on the rawness on his neck. He let out a string of curses and accidentally turned the water too _cold,_ then he knocked a bottle on the ground, then he was just done.

It comes out in choked sobs and he’s unsure if there’s even tears falling or if he’s still just acting out every motion of crying except actually crying. He lets this continue for approximately five minutes (or what he feels is closest to it) before he makes himself stop.

He moves on, scrubbing off all the dirt and grime from the apartment fire and the day in itself. Once he’s out and dressed, he pulls on an LAFD hoodie, zips it up, and pulls the hood over his head. His hair is a messy lop of curls on top of his head and they’re still wet and getting the top of the hoodie wet, but he’s just so done.

He’s almost out of the station when he hears footsteps behind him. He keeps walking in hopes that it’s just someone passing, but he stops when he hears Eddie’s voice.

“Chris is at Abuela’s.” Eddie breathes. “You should come over.”

Buck wants to. He wants so, so badly to that it tears him apart when he declines. “I’m pretty beat after that call. Maybe tomorrow?” He turns slowly in the direction of his car, looking for any possible way to escape and not have to confront, well, anything.

Eddie’s shoulders drop, and Buck is immediately filled with more dread than he had been this whole week. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Eddie asks.

_No._

“I’m good.” Buck smiles. “Always good.”

Eddie nods. “Right. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pats Buck’s shoulder before passing by him, walking to his own car.

Everything within Buck is screaming for Eddie to turn around and call his bluff. Tell him he’s not fine, call out his fake smile, berate him for lying so blatantly. But Eddie doesn’t turn back, and Buck watches him drive away, and he feels like a building has collapsed on him.

And as much as Buck wanted to be stubborn and wait for Eddie to come to him, he can’t bear the weight he’s carrying anymore. He can’t step one foot into his apartment right now. It’s not home. So Buck throws his bag in the jeep and starts his drive to Eddie’s house.

He waits a bit first, so it doesn’t look like Buck left for there immediately after Eddie did. But once Buck leaves, he’s in Eddie’s driveway and he doesn’t even remember the drive. It’s subconscious by now- he doesn’t even have to think. He knows how to get there, he knows where Eddie hides the spare key. He knows which floorboards creek loudest at three in the morning, and he knows the difference between Eddie’s and Christopher’s doors opening.

Buck swallows the lump in his throat as he walks up to the front door. He rings the bell, not sure if he’s welcome to let himself in right now. It takes seventeen seconds for Eddie to open the door; Buck counts.

Eddie’s face drops when he sees Buck at the door. This is when fear creeps its way back into Buck’s mind. He shouldn’t have come. He doesn’t have anywhere else to go though.

“I lied.” Is all Buck can muster up as he stares down at his feet. He’s scared he’ll crumble even more if he looks back up at Eddie.

“I know.” Eddie says softly as he reaches out, grabbing Buck’s hand and pulling him inside. He shuts the door behind them, and drops Buck’s hand. “Wanna talk about it?”

Buck looks away. “I didn’t wanna be alone.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Eddie questions, and Buck feels guilty. He should’ve told him. He should have talked about it, should have been here last night, should have done more. He never does enough, and he always falls short.

Buck shrugs. “Didn’t want you to have to deal with it.”

Buck didn’t think it could get any worse until a look of confusion, then one of anger, washes over Eddie’s face. “So you were going to deal with it alone? Like that ever works?” Eddie crosses his arms.

“Well, I-” Buck doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to justify the way he’s acted in the past few days. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie’s eyes screw shut as he drops his head. “Evan, you have nothing to apologize for.” He looks back up, and Buck looks like he’s seen a ghost. “How you haven’t fallen apart with everything that you just went through is… you just don’t have to go through it alone.”

“I feel like my floor’s one coin drop away from falling through.” Buck allows himself some leeway to be vulnerable. Not too much, not enough to throw all his bullshit onto Eddie, but just enough to take a little weight off.

Eddie doesn’t say anything. Buck isn’t looking for advice right now.

“Can I get a beer?” Buck suddenly asks, changing the subject when he realizes it could lead to boxes he’s not ready to open.

“Yeah.” Eddie nods, and Buck follows him to the kitchen. Buck leans against the counter, watching Eddie pull two beers out of the fridge, opening them both before passing one to Buck.

They drink in silence for what Buck feels like is an eternity. He stares shamelessly at Eddie and it’s stupid, he knows it is, but Eddie is just so incredibly… much, that he can’t stop himself. He knows Eddie sees it, too.

It isn’t until Buck has finished his beer that he has the courage to even open his mouth.

“Am I stupid for forgiving them?” Buck finally asks. Chim’s wariness all day, matched with the foreseen pitiful looks Buck got, indicates to him that Eddie did in fact hear about everything.

“They never cared about me enough, or me about them, for it to even feel like anything.” Buck continues, and Eddie listens intently. “But now I feel like an idiot.”

“I think you did the best with what you had.” Eddie replies. “I think you wanted to avoid another fight, and I don’t blame you.”

“I’m so tired.” Buck whispers as he leans his head back against a cabinet.

“Have you gotten any sleep?” Eddie asks, sliding closer to Buck and setting his beer down on the counter. He’s turned adjacent to Buck, so he can see him while still being able to keep his arm brushed against Buck’s in a way that sends chills down Buck’s spine.

Buck shakes his head as he shuts his eyes. “I woke up at five and never went back to sleep.” And anyway, he didn’t mean that kind of tired. It’s the tired that makes it difficult to even fake his smiles or laugh at a stupid joke a coworker made. It’s the tired that’s lowering Buck’s ability to keep himself together.

“You’re never burdening us by being here, you know that right?”

Buck does. He knows. But it’s hard to maintain the belief when he feels like everything he does falls just short of enough.

“Buck.” Eddie draws Buck’s attention, his voice soft, but stern. He takes Buck’s hand. “We’ll take you in whatever condition you’re in, no matter what.”

Buck opens his eyes now, meeting Eddie’s tear-filled ones. “I just don’t wanna let you guys down.”

Eddie tilts his head as a small smile crosses his face. “Not possible.”

Buck finally smiles. It’s real this time, and his eyes never break their focus from Eddie’s. Buck would sit forever in a silence filled only by the sound of their hearts beating together. Buck is so used to loud- to filling any and all silence with whatever comes to mind. The silence was bad. Stillness was bad.

It was in the quiet moments growing up that Buck’s parents found a reason to be mad at him. They filled every silent moment with some sort of beration, some sort of anger. So Buck adapted. He couldn’t go through that again.

But with Eddie, in every silence was a feeling so warm and so, so good that Buck can’t even describe it. He doesn’t want to, or, doesn’t need to. It’s something only he understands, and something he’s never had before. He’s comfortable with the silence and the still when it means Eddie’s there.

And in the silence, in the kitchen in the dark, Buck finally feels real tears fall from his face. And once he lets himself start, it’s too late to stop. “Fuck.” Buck chokes out, covering his mouth with his hand to stifle back his cries.

Eddie releases Buck’s free hand, sliding his hand up his arm, bringing both of them up to wrap around Buck’s shoulders and neck. And Buck- he can’t. He’s out of the energy required to be okay. His arms snake around Eddie’s waist, holding him tight. Buck drops his head into Eddie’s neck, and he doesn’t know how long they stand there, but he knows every bit of him is unequivocally in love with Eddie Diaz.

Buck is certain Eddie’s shirt is soaked from all the tears Buck has cried onto him. Eddie doesn’t care. He’ll survive. “Evan.” Eddie says in a hushed tone and Buck looks up. He’s still folded into Eddie’s arms- neither of them plan on going anywhere anytime soon. Eddie slides one of his hands to the side of Buck’s neck, running his thumb softly along Buck’s jawline.

“Your parents missed out on the most loving, selfless person they’d ever know, I hope you know that.” Eddie says. His eyes are focused on Buck’s the entire time- they’re bloodshot and still tear filled and Eddie thinks they are _so_ beautiful. “And I hope you know you’ll always be welcome here, no matter what you’ve got going on.”

Buck nods lightly, still not entirely convinced but too tired to fight it. His hands still rest on Eddie’s waist, and Buck’s breath briefly catches in his throat when he realizes just how close the two of them are.

And he doesn’t mean to say it- at least, not when he does. Not now. It’s really not the time, because the conversation has nothing to do with it, but Buck’s been biting his tongue for well over a year now and he doesn’t presently have the strength needed within him to _not_ say it.

“I love you.”

Buck finally exhales a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding for so long. He doesn’t entertain a single thought of the consequences of what he’s done, for just saying it lifted the biggest weight from his shoulders. And anyway, it felt more right than anything else ever has to him. It feels like home.

Eddie pauses for a while after Buck says it and usually, Buck would worry about this. But he’s okay, he’s good. It isn’t an earth-shattering revelation, it’s one of the safest, most familiar things Buck’s ever done. And he thinks Eddie knows that, too.

It _is_ earth-shattering when Eddie replies, though. Buck never expected it- not a million years. And he feels kind of stupid for not seeing it. Both of Eddie’s hands are placed on the sides of Buck’s neck now, and Eddie sliding his thumb along Buck’s jaw before stopping dangerously close to Buck’s lips makes the man stop breathing.

“I love you too.” Eddie replies in a small voice, a light smile painting his face and Buck stops holding his breath. His eyes flutter shut and Eddie immediately takes this as an invitation to kiss him.

Buck doesn’t think he’s ever moves as fast as he does when Eddie presses their lips together and Buck’s hands fly up to the back of Eddie’s neck. The kiss is short, and when it ends, everything within Buck aches for more, but he’s never done something easier than this.

Buck goes to speak, but he’s stopped by laughter erupting from his lips. His eyes shut once more as he drops his head, leaning his forehead against Eddie’s. “You need to get some sleep.” Eddie says quietly after a while.

Buck smiles. “Yeah. I’m really fuckin’ tired.”

It’s really not any different than all the other times Buck’s crawled into Eddie’s bed with him, but it’s definitely the first time he’s fallen asleep listening to Eddie’s heartbeat. Eddie runs his fingers along Buck’s back until Buck falls asleep, and he falls asleep quicker than he has in a really, really long time.

He sleeps better with Eddie, too. It feels safer there. It feels like Buck can finally stop running because he’s found his finish line. He’s found his forever and they both know it.

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't like what the writers did to me in 4x06 so i fixed it. :)
> 
> (title from ivy by taylor swift)


End file.
